


The Waynes and Their Friends

by Living_Free



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Justice League & Justice League Unlimited (Cartoons), Wonder Woman (Comics)
Genre: Bruce Wayne - Father of the Year, Crack, Fluff, Gen, Humour, Some gore - Etrigan eats a foot, batfamily, friendships galore, gigglesnort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-25
Updated: 2017-03-25
Packaged: 2018-10-10 11:06:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10436292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Living_Free/pseuds/Living_Free
Summary: Batman is a busy crime fighter and vigilante.Bruce Wayne is a savvy businessman and rich boy.Both of them are full time Daddies, and sometimes, you have no choice to bring your kids to work. Unfortunately, it's usually Batman that ends up with this job.Hilarity and feels ensue when the Robins worm their way into the hearts of the league and make friends (and more), with the League and others heroes, much to Bruce's general horror.





	

"With regards to Lex Luthor's latest manufacturing project, we think he's trying to set up an underground complex with robots that are schematically similar to Brainiac-" Superman stopped to stare at Batman's stomach, which shifted noticeably under his cloak. "Um, Bruce? Your stomach just moved to the left," Clark said helpfully.

Batman maintained his expressionless visage and reached in to shift the mass back to the middle. "Shush," he whispered, eliciting a stream of sleepy giggles from the mass.

"I didn't know that human males have such active gestation periods," Shayera pondered aloud. "Congratulations, Bruce."

Bruce harrumphed. "I'm not pregnant." He pulled open his cloak to reveal a small, colour fully clothed, boy on his lap. "Robin, meet my ignoramous colleagues. Colleagues, this is my Robin."

"Hello, Robin," Superman said, floating over. "Pleased to meet you. Is Bruce your daddy?"

"Pleased to meet you too," Robin replied gaily. "And he's not my dad. I just eat his food and help him fight bad guys."

Shayera looked reproachfully at her brooding coworker. "Really? A child? What is wrong with you, Bruce?"

"He's well trained, and is a natural crime fighter - Dick, come back here," Bruce said, grabbing at his wayward apprentice from where he was doing a one handed - handstand, balancing on Supeman's shoulder. 

"Bruce!" Clark gasped, covering the boy's ears. "Don't call him names!"

"His name is Dick! Richard John Grayson, come back down here!" Bruce said, snatching his ward up. Dick giggled and settled onto Bruce's lap.

"Hey, you can just put a tracker on Luthor," Dick suggested. "Then you can find out where he goes."

"It is a good thought, but the man is prudent - he would notice a bug on his person," J'onn mused. 

"Then plant it on his bodyguard, she never leaves his side," Dick said distractedly, looking at Shayera. "Your hair is really pretty," he remarked. 

The rest of the league looked in wonderment at the little boy that struck such a contrast to his killjoy mentor. "That's...a really good idea," Flash said slowly. "Hey, kid, what say you join the League?"

"No," Bruce said angrily. "Dick, it's time for bed."

"Aww..."

"If you go to bed now, I'll let you beat up Scarecrow tomorrow," Bruce bribed his child, a shining beacon of parenthood. 

"Yeah! Goodnight B, goodnight Justice League!" Robin bid the group goodbye as he ran off to Bruce's rooms. 

After a minute of stunned silence, Bruce cleared his throat. "I know that you're in awe of my excellent parenting skills, but can we return to the matter at hand?"

The meeting continued, but with a distinctly more charged atmosphere.

\------------

"Who's the hot piece of action?" Wally asked salaciously, pointing at the black clad vigilante somehow managing to battle Deathstroke and simultaneously talk Batman's ear off. 

"That's Nightwing," Green Lantern replied. "Remember the first Robin? That's him."

"No way," Wally breathed, watching the man dispatch his foe and get beamed back up to the Watchtower with his mentor. 

As soon as he got back, Wally ripped off his mask and approached the man. "Hey there, I'm Wally."

"I'm Dick," Nightwing replied. "I like your hair, red suits you." 

Wally blushed and smirked, positioning himself seductively. "Well, you and it could get better acquainted over coffee," he suggested, "run your hands through it over a cappuccino- ECK!" Wally was cut off as he felt a hand close over his throat. 

"Dick, go home," Batman rumbled, dispatching his ward. Dick left, but not before sending Wally a wink and a flirty wave. 

"Totally worth it," Wally choked, as Bruce released him. 

"If I see you anywhere near him, I will suspend my no killing rule to skin you, grind your insides up, strain your juices, and mix them in with my coffee," Bruce growled. 

"Ew," Wally spat, running away. 

He had a coffee date to plan, and he was not going to end up as the main course. 

\------------

"Hey toots, Bats says that he wants to talk to ya," Jason drawled at Wonder Woman. Diana's subsequent rage fest could be heard all the way across the Watchtower, causing all the resident males to go into hiding.

"Bruce!" Diana roared, dragging the impudent Robin to Batman's quarters by his ear, "your child is a misogynistic pig!"

Bruce sighed, emerging from where he had hidden behind a ficus plant. "What did he say?"

"He called me 'toots'," Diana spat out disgustedly, shaking the squealing boy. 

"Jason, apologize to Diana," Bruce groaned.

"Sorry, lady, I won't do it again," Jason groused, massaging his reddening ear. As soon as Diana had left, Bruce rounded on Jason. 

"Let that be a lesson to you," he said, waggling his finger patronizingly in Jason's face. "Never talk down to a woman. Use courtesy and class - that will go a longer way than bravado."

Jason pouted, but nodded at the sage advice. "Well, you'd know," he conceded. "After all, you do get around."

Bruce scowled at his irreverent son as his teammates' guffawing laughter echoed outside his room.

\------------

Diana was loudly complaining about the inadequacy of men and man-made implements to anyone who was in earshot. All in all, it was a fairly regular occurrence aboard the Watchtower. "These so called weights are flimsy and light!" She cursed loudly. 

"Tell me about it," Clark bitched right back. "If I want a workout, I have to lift cinderblocks on construction sites. I tried to tell Bruce about the gym equipment, but he just whined about weight restrictions and how I'm "far too dense to comprehend architectural design'," he said in an uncanny imitation of their friend. 

A small giggle caused both upset parties to look up. A small boy stood partially hidden behind the door, his uniform a giveaway as to his identity. "Tim!" Clark called happily. "Come here and meet Diana. Diana, this is Tim, Bruce's third child," Clark said, introducing the shy lad to his colleague. 

"Bite sized," Diana mused aloud. "And Bruce takes you out to fight crime? Who is your favourite villain to vanquish?"

"I like The Riddler," Tim replied excitedly. "He's fun, 'cause we have to solve his puzzles, find him, and only then can we beat him up. It's like a treasure hunt!" Clark looked mildly disturbed at Tim's version of a fun time. 

"Do you beat people up, Tim?"

"No, I'm too small," Tim sulked. "I just throw batarangs and shoot lasers and stuff at them. Bruce says I need to get more muscular to smack 'em around right."

"How old are you, Tim?" Diana asked.

"Eight! I'm going to be nine next week. Bruce said he'll let me kick Scarecorw on my birthday!" Tim said enthusiastically. Clark looked incredibly shocked, while Diana looked ponderously at the boy. 

"You need to work on your body, little one. You cannot fell a foe with a sharp mind alone. Come, I shall instruct you on the ways of the battlefield, as I have done for countless Amazonian youths." At Diana's words, Tim brightened and bounced excitedly. "I shall train your body, mind, and soul to work in harmony, and will mould you into a warrior as formidable as Athena herself! Do you, Tim, Son of Bruce, pledge yourself to learning the art of war?" 

"Yes! Thank you, Miss Diana! I'll work really hard!" Tim cried happily, as Clark whimpered.

"Good," Diana nodded, satisfied. "We shall begin, then. First, we must clothe you in the traditional Amazonian training garb. Follow me," she said, beckoning Tim to follow. 

Clark was left alone with his inadequate weights, apprentice-less, and more than a little disturbed. 

\-----------

Bruce did not expect to hear his son's happy squeaks aboard the Watchtower of all places. He had left Tim with Dick, with express instructions to do his homework and go to bed. Bruce followed the noise to the gym, where he was met with the oddest sight. 

Tim was in a white dress ending at above the knees, and was beating the crap out of a punching bag under Diana's watchful eye. "Channel your rage, Tim. Impotent rage does us no good, but when focused, it is a useful tool," Diana instructed. Unable to contain his curiosity, Bruce cleared his throat, causing both Diana and Tim to look around. 

"Bruce, meet my new apprentice, Timothea," Diana said proudly, as Tim kicked the shit out of a punching bag, his white skirt flying.

"Bruce! Did you see my kick? Miss Diana said that she'll train me with swords next!" 

"That was a good kick, Timothea," Diana praised. "Now, go and activate the training bots."

"You'll do no such thing," Bruce seethed, grabbing Tim. "Get your own kid, this one is mine," Bruce spat at Diana. "Tim, we're going home."

"Aww...can't I stay with Miss Diana for a little while?" Tim pouted, melting Diana's heart.

"Fear not, Timothea my child, I shall find you for your weekly training sessions, even if your father seeks to keep you away. No Amazonian shall leave their training incomplete."

"He's not an Amazonian!" Bruce barked. "He is Timothy Jackson Drake-Wayne, and he's my son! The Robin to my Batman! Get your own sidekick!" With that, Bruce ran away, with a giggling child in his arms, and Diana in hot pursuit.

\------------

Diana stayed true to her word through the years, and showed up every Friday evening to tutor Tim in the art of war. She gained admirers in Dick and Jason, and even Alfred, who was smitten by her bearing and manners at their very first meeting. Over the years, Tim also accumulated a number of steadily larger white dresses, which he wore proudly to every training session. 

Jason laughed at the sight, but was quietened when Diana informed him that he did not have the legs to carry off the dress. At the age of eighteen, Tim became a full Honorary Amazonian, and Diana whisked "Timothea" off to Themyiscria for a week for the graduation festivities. Bruce and the rest of the family were invited to the initiation ceremony, where Bruce dealt with dirty looks, Dick was asked to model as a pinup boy, Damian was babied, Cassandra was taken as a sister, and Jason was used as target practice. 

Everyone loved Alfred, and was flirted with relentlessly. 

When Timothy accepted his official Amazonian sword and raised it high, his family burst into applause, and Bruce's heart might have burst with pride.

\-----------

Bruce was tearing the Watchtower apart, looking for the apple of his eye, his precious jewel, his little princess - Cassandra. "Princess? Princess? Where are you?" He asked no one in particular, as he searched frantically. 

"Yes?" Wally asked, twirling in front of Bruce, who slapped him away exasperatedly. 

"Where is my daughter, you son-stealing, red colored, worm!?"

"First of all, Dick and I are in a consensual realationship," Wally replied, nursing his cheek, "and second, she's at the main console with J'onn."

Bruce stormed into the main room to see Cassandra and J'onn staring at each other in silence. After a few minutes of this, both broke into chuckles of mirth, before going back to staring at each other. Unable to contain his confusion, Bruce interrupted. "Princess, what's going on?"

Cassandra looked up gleefully. "Daddy," she hummed, running up to him. "J'onn was teaching me telepathy. It's so...cool!"

Bruce looked at J'onn in confusion and hugged Cassandra close, her laughter muffled in his armour. "You're very smart, angel. If you want to use telepathy, then I won't stop you," he said kindly, as Cassandra squeezed him happily. 

"Thank you, daddy," she said, beaming at him. Bruce smiled back, knowing that there was nothing that he wouldn't do to see his daughter smile like that. "Thank you, J'onn," she said and added a telepathic message, causing the otherwise stoic Martian to break out in a large, toothy, grin. Bruce recoiled slightly at his friend's fangs glistening under the lights as Cassandra took off.

"Stop smiling like that, you look like a snake that's just eaten a kitten," Bruce shuddered. J'onn closed his mouth, opting for a tight lipped smile. "Why are you teaching Cassandra telepathy?" He demanded curiously.

J'onn shrugged. "It's been a while since I could connect with a someone on that level. Her thought patterns are similar to a Martian's. She thinks and feels like one of us - her thoughts are textured, and colorful. She makes associations with what she can sense rather than use descriptors. It reminds me of...home," he said, reminiscing with a soft smile, looking out at the stars with nostalgia coloring his features. 

Bruce nodded in understanding and left the other man to his memories, glad that the last Martian could find some semblance of home in his new life.

\-----------

Etrigan the Demon sat on his haunches, staring angrily at Batman who was telling him off for trying set fire to a hapless wizard who had tried to summon the fearsome demon. "You could have just said no, and been on your way. There was no need to eat his foot," Bruce chastised his friend's demonic alter ego. "Jason's going to feel sick when he finds out that you've eaten a human's foot."

"The human should fear the power of the demon!" Etrigan bellowed. "You dare to talk back to me, mortal? You take advantage of what little leeway I give you-OOF!" Etrigan's rant was cut off when a puny, yet powerful, fist collided with his stomach.

"How dare you talk to my Father that way!" Damian growled, as Bruce looked on in horror. "At least he does not eat people! He has respect for the dignity of all life, which is something you have yet to learn despite your many years on this earth!"

Etrigan watched the little boy spout off in wonder, apparently fearless in the presence of the embodiment of hell. "You have no fear," Etrigan said in wonder. "A rare quality indeed, and admirable in one so young," the demon said, having been effectively tempered. "Who are you?"

Damian snorted. "Tt. I am Damian, of the houses of Wayne and Al Ghul, The Fifth and most deserving to hold the noble mantle of Robin after Grayson, Son of Batman. And I fear nothing and no one, for I know that I stand for the ultimate good, to defend life, and there is no place for fear in such a job."

Etrigan blinked in wonderment as Bruce's heart swelled to twice its size. "A noble warrior, this one," Etrigan observed. "He will grow up to be a fine man. The doors of Hell will open gladly for the Son of Wayne when his time comes, to be a noble horseman of Death-ECK!"

Bruce winced as the eldest fearless son of Wayne descended angrily on the demon and started wailing and whaling on him for trying to whisk Damian's soul to hell, while Damian cheered Dick on happily. 

"Did you hear that, Father?" Damian asked happily, pulling on his cape. "I am guaranteed a job in the afterlife!"

Bruce whimpered.

**Author's Note:**

> Damian being the Horseman of Death is a favorite future headcanon of mine. Somehow, I do believe that Dick wouldn't leave him alone, even in the afterlife. 
> 
> Come and scream at and with me about the BatFamily on tumblr, I am kindaangleic.


End file.
